My Saltwater

We were given a devotional booklet on the Holy Spirit to read through in the next couple of weeks. This is something I read from it that I think is worth sharing:

"Jesus said, 'If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him.' John goes on to tell us, 'By this he meant the Spirit" (John 7:37-39). Living water: sounds poetic, mystical. But Jesus didn't use the term 'living water' poetically or mystically. Living water was another term for 'freshwater': the stuff you use to water plants and animals, grow crops, clean dishes - the stuff you drink to live. And importantly, it stands in opposition, not to stagnant (dead) water, but saltwater. Saltwater looks and feels like fresh, or living, water, but if you drink it for any length of time it kills you. A person could be stranded in the middle of the ocean floating atop a gazillion gallons of it and die of thirst. The more you drink saltwater, the thirstier you get."

The booklet goes on to ask what you consider your saltwater to be. I just thought that was an interesting question based on the passage above. I thought about it during my quiet time, prayed about, and came up with a couple things that could be my "saltwater."

1) Turning to other things before turning to God: I do this a lot...too much. It bothers me that at times, God is the last person I turn to. When something gets me down or frustrated, I almost instantly turn to anything BUT God. I tell myself that I'll find comfort in reading a book, watching a movie, painting or sketching, going out with friends, or doing something that I probably shouldn't be doing. Most of those are fine to do, but considering the circumstances where I feel like I need comfort, they should not be the first things I turn to. And heres the thing, I KNOW that if I turn to God I will find comfort. I know that because I almost always eventually end up casting my burdens on Him. After I try to comfort myself, I learn that sometimes that cannot be done. I find myself praying, reading the Bible, or just sitting in silence listening for God, and in those moments I find the comfort that I was seeking. I was talking to a staff member, Monica, the other day, and she asked me what it looked like when I didnt turn to God with my problems. I told her that I felt like I was in the dark and nothing was clear. But when I run to God and ask Him for help, I feel like I'm in the light, and I am able to see where I am going.

2) Frustrated prayer life: Now this is a big one for me. I sometimes find myself lacking in the prayer department because it can be frustrating for me. Sometimes I feel like my prayers aren't being heard. I feel as if they are falling on deaf ears at times, which makes me question my faith and who I am in Christ. This makes it hard for me to pray because I feel like nothing happens. However, there will be times when a lot of my prayers will be answered at once. I just have to remember that God knows what is best for me and knows what I need more than I know what I need. He will take care of me as long as I have faith in Him. Even though I feel like my prayers aren't being heard, deep down I know that He is listening to each and every one of them. As Jason once said, "Sometimes unanswered prayers can be the greatest gifts." Its all about having the patience to wait the situation out and having the faith to trust God.

3) Lack of trust/fear of abandonment: I find myself not trusting God fully, which is ridiculous because He has not given me a reason to not trust him. For example, I did not trust God at all about coming to Vail. Even though God made it so evident that this is where He wanted me to be, I could only come up with reasons as to why it would be ridiculous to go. I felt like there was no way I would be able to raise enough support to go (God raised way more than I needed to raise in a short amount of time). I felt like I wouldn't fit in because everyone would be really strong in their faith (I'm just like everyone else here: eager to learn). I thought that I wouldn't grow in my faith (I've grown so much in just two weeks here). I had every reason to just trust that God would lead me through the whole process, but instead I spent my time doubting what God could do. I was afraid He would take me part way through the process, and then just leave me. FALSE. God is still very much with me, and He has been holding my hand throughout all of this. I just have to learn to trust that He will provide and He will never leave me.

Those are the major ideas I came up with during my quiet time.

I also had a great dream last night. My project was talking about what it would be like to sit in God's throne room with Him. In my dream, I went into the throne room and was sitting at God's feet. We were talking, and I had this huge smile on face. I was just so full of joy to be sitting with God. At one point, He reached down, grabbed my hands, and pulled me up onto my feet. How amazing is that! God is always so willing to pick us back up! No matter where we are in our lives, He will always take our hands and guide us. That thought brings me so much comfort.

And to make this post even much longer than it needs to be (Praise God if youre still reading this), I want to post the lyrics to a song that I have really been identifying with lately.

Whatever You're Doing - Sanctus Real

It's time for healing, time to move on.
It's time to fix whats been broken too long.
Time to make right, what has been wrong.
It's time to find my way to where I belong.

There's a wave that's crashing over me,
And all I can do is surrender.

Whatever you're doing inside of me,
It feels like chaos but somehow theres peace.
And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see,
But I'm giving into something heavenly.

Time for a milestone, time to begin again,
Reevaluate who I really am.
Am I doing everything to follow your will?
I'm just climbing aimlessly over these hills.

So show me what it is you want from me,
I'd give everything, I surrender to...

Time to face up, clean this old house.
Time to breathe in, and let everything out,
That I've wanted to say, for so many years.
Time to release some of held back tears.

Whatever you're doing inside of me,
It feels like chaos but I believe...

You're up to something bigger than me,
Larger than life, something heavenly.

It's time to face up, clean this old house.
Time to breathe in, and let everything out.